mugenis4real wrote:I shouldn't be looking to an Internet forum for answers, but maybe the right person will read this.
I'm 19 and I feel like I have nobody. My friends all want me to fail. Ive noticed that the second they see me trying to improve myself, they try to put me down. I start working out and they go out of their way to order junk food and keep me away from my equipment with any excuse they can find. When I start doing well in my classes they barrage me with insults as to how idiotic I am and how getting good grades wont matter because I'm attending a community college. My family is no better. When my mom and dad see me slipping, they throw the same insults, telling me for hours on end how I will never amount to anything. They call it motivation but it drains me in a way I cant explain.
This made me start thinking, do I even have any real friends? I thought I did, but maybe ive been living in a fantasy world all along. Now more than ever I feel like I have no one to talk to, but I wont show anyone that I'm feeling this. I wont give them the satisfaction. I'm not the type to shed tears but the more I bury this, the less emotion I feel. The less I care about everything. I don't know if any of this makes sense, maybe theres something wrong with me that causes people to act like this, I cant really say but I'm practically a man by now right? I shouldn't be feeling this way right? I don't know. I don't want to be a failure.
Dude I hear that.
I had the same thing throughout highschool.
I would do well in whatever it was I wanted to do well in, english and writing stories, short and long, and I would get trashed by my mates, none of whom have any real appreciation for the craft of writing nor actually share any of my hobbies or interests.
So every time I see something related to that sort of thing....they take all of the fun out of it, sometimes ruining the experience of it and continue being ignorant of what they are talking about.
Even now that some of them have finally grown up a little, Im still mocked for doing an Arts Degree, and because of that I find it hard to get motivated over most study I do because of that.
Again I know the "less emotion I feel the better" process. Its easier not to give a rats arse if someone is trashing what you hold dear....but in all honest in my experience that is not that way to deal with these issues.
Again im pretty tall, thin, and rather pale. So when I decided to begin changing that sort of stuff I copped a lot of flak for trying to work out, or trying to get a tan, or simply avoiding unpleasant situations that would make me feel awkward.
In the end I was let onto a bit of a secret by one of my mates, and it was this that actually made me realise that Im not the only one who feels this way. He is a med student, so never gets **** for his path in life, but he too has his own stresses and issues that I could never understand.
Catharitc Writing helped me a lot. Simply writing out on a continuous Word file exactly how I was feeling, how I was angry, or sad, or whatever. From there I could see exactly where I was in the scheme of things and I could work through my issues without keeping them bottled up.
Also this forum is more or less something cathartic in a way. Its a group of individuals that enjoy something I enjoy when no one else does, seems to, or wants to enjoy the things I do.
But bro I figured out recently that when you feel the way you do...you just stop trying, or trying to feel, and that doesnt get you anywhere. What helped me is realising that while your mates can try to sabotage you, or get you to do what they want to, all you have to do is realise that you are doing what you want to do,a nd because of that you can take pride in it and work towards it.
Trust me if your mates are anything like mine, no matter what kind of douche bags they can be sometimes, they always will have your back no matter what you decide to do.
I all honesty everything you have just mentioned is how I have felt this entire year. its tough but keep at it man.