by Wade_Wilson Sat Sep 29, 2012 12:52 pmWhatDoesThePendantDo? wrote:Wade_Wilson wrote:
- Spoiler:
No chance. But yeah, that would be absolutely epic.
I'm giggling like a madman just thinking about it.
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I'm giggling like a madman just thinking about it.
WhatDoesThePendantDo?- Duke's Archivist
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What was that Artorias thread you created? You created one at the same time about 2 other threads saying the same exact thing went up.
::Twilight Zone theme::
::Twilight Zone theme::
Wade_Wilson- Hollowed
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I don't even know how that happened, we must be coming under the influence of a hivemind or something.
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Chapter 9 is done and on the pastebin. Damn that took a while.
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Great timing! Just got done farming for BSS. 
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*lurk lurk*
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EDIT: That pic is way too big
WhatDoesThePendantDo?- Duke's Archivist
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Ok, you jerk, why didn't you put in a PTDE spoiler tag in your story?
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WhatDoesThePendantDo? wrote:Ok, you jerk, why didn't you put in a PTDE spoiler tag in your story?
Whoopsie!
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IT only shows a part of the picture, the PTDE content is on the other side
Wade_Wilson- Hollowed
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Yeah, what Spurgun said, everything takes place in Equestria anyway.
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I just imagined Berserk taking part in Equestria.
Poor ponies
Poor ponies
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Chapter 2, very well done just like the one before it! Not quite as many critiques this time as with chapter 1, but here goes:
I also feel like you made Celestia feel a bit too weak, but that's really just personal opinions and interpretations as opposed to real feedback. It's your fic, so you can represent Celestia however you feel best fits the story
- Spoiler:
- This one was formatted a bit differently, so no paragraph indicators this time
”Why yes, I am. It’s a grim necessity I’m afraid. My people have starvedfarfor so long…”
Another one of those supposed typos :|
“Let us not dwell here, Celestia. Every moment wastedhereis a moment that demon can use to make evil.”
The second instance of the word "here" sounds a bit repetitive, and getting rid of it doesn't hurt the meaning of the sentence.”Chrysalis”The Demon from before hovers down and lands deftly in front of you, pacing not 10 feet away from you.
”I will never give up while my p0nies are in danger, Chrysalis.” Celestia says defiantly.
There's no reason for Solaire to know Chrysalis's name spontaneously. Celestia says Chrysalis's name in the very next sentence, so use that as the point at which Solaire learns her name.
”They fought hard, but were no match for our changeling superiority.
Just seems to make the statement flow better.
"Did you wish to be sent home? Truth be told, you did not."
Add a statment saying why he didn't. Just something small like "my business there was done, anyway." Solaire needs a reason to have made this decision.
I also feel like you made Celestia feel a bit too weak, but that's really just personal opinions and interpretations as opposed to real feedback. It's your fic, so you can represent Celestia however you feel best fits the story
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Reaperfan wrote:Chapter 2, very well done just like the one before it! Not quite as many critiques this time as with chapter 1, but here goes:
- Spoiler:
”Why yes, I am. It’s a grim necessity I’m afraid. My people have starvedfarfor so long…”
Another one of those supposed typos :|
“Let us not dwell here, Celestia. Every moment wastedhereis a moment that demon can use to make evil.”
The second instance of the word "here" sounds a bit repetitive, and getting rid of it doesn't hurt the meaning of the sentence.”Chrysalis”The Demon from before hovers down and lands deftly in front of you, pacing not 10 feet away from you.
”I will never give up while my p0nies are in danger, Chrysalis.” Celestia says defiantly.
There's no reason for Solaire to know Chrysalis's name spontaneously. Celestia says Chrysalis's name in the very next sentence, so use that as the point at which Solaire learns her name.
”They fought hard, but were no match for our changeling superiority.
Just seems to make the statement flow better.
"Did you wish to be sent home? Truth be told, you did not."
Add a statment saying why he didn't. Just something small like "my business there was done, anyway." Solaire needs a reason to have made this decision.
I also feel like you made Celestia feel a bit too weak, but that's really just personal opinions and interpretations as opposed to real feedback. It's your fic, so you can represent Celestia however you feel best fits the story
I made her intentionally weak to reflect upon Equestria itself; a loooong era of peace and prosperity, and suddenly a invasion almost comes to realisation. It'll also set up for the ending chapters
- Spoiler:
- not gonna spoil anything.
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*** man,
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Wade_Wilson wrote:I made her intentionally weak to reflect upon Equestria itself; a loooong era of peace and prosperity, and suddenly a invasion almost comes to realisation. It'll also set up for the ending chaptersI'll again correct the errors when it's not 2am, I didn't correct the CH1 errors because I wanted to get CH9 done.
- Spoiler:
Makes sense. That's why you're the author
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WhatDoesThePendantDo? wrote:*** man,
Huh?
And lol reaper, I may be the author but I'm always open to critique and suggestions. And I just went and corrected all the flaws you pointed out, I remembered I wasn't doing anything of importance.
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Sorry man, I didn't mean to type that I meant to type something else.
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WhatDoesThePendantDo? wrote:Sorry man, I didn't mean to type that I meant to type something else.
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Wade_Wilson wrote:And lol reaper, I may be the author but I'm always open to critique and suggestions. And I just went and corrected all the flaws you pointed out, I remembered I wasn't doing anything of importance.
Well if I'm going to be perfectly honest, it was a little jarring when she broke down and cried. Admittedly the situation she was in was distressing, but I'd have imagined her reaction to being something more like "Celestia stood there, dumbstruck at what she saw, and after a moment when the reality of it all sunk in, she knelt down in resignation, a hollow look of defeat on her face." Something that said that in her mind she realized the situation was lost, but she went down with grace and acceptance as opposed to despair and helplessness.
Then again, like I said, different interpretations of the character, and if the current way is necessary for later story points then I can understand
Last edited by Reaperfan on Sat Sep 29, 2012 10:39 pm; edited 1 time in total
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What....
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WhatDoesThePendantDo? wrote:What....
He's probably asking "well what exactly did you mean to type then?"
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Hell, if I remember.
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Reaperfan wrote:Wade_Wilson wrote:And lol reaper, I may be the author but I'm always open to critique and suggestions. And I just went and corrected all the flaws you pointed out, I remembered I wasn't doing anything of importance.
Well if I'm going to be perfectly honest, it was a little jarring when she broke down and cried. Admittedly the situation she was in was distressing, but I'd have imagined her reaction to being something more like "Celestia stood there, dumbstruck at what she saw, and after a moment when the reality of it all sunk in, she knelt down in resignation, a hollow look of defeat on her face." Something that said that in her mind she realized the situation was lost, but she went down with grace and acceptance as opposed to despair and helplessness.
Then again, like I said, different interpretations of the character, and if the current way is necessary for later story points then I can understand
Eh, fair enough. In my mind she would have gone down gracefully if not for cheeselegs threatening the mane six, specifically Twilight. That would be the straw on the camels back. But who cares, it's fanfiction!
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Wade_Wilson wrote:Eh, fair enough. In my mind she would have gone down gracefully if not for cheeselegs threatening the mane six, specifically Twilight. That would be the straw on the camels back. But who cares, it's fanfiction!
Cheeselegs is the best nickname ever. I'm stealing that for my own usage in the future
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