Here goes the Pink Gorilla joke. I'm gonna pick on a couple well know characters around here. Please don't hate me. Also, please don't skip ahead to the punchline. You won't get it unless you read carefully.
One day Tolvo was sitting at home eating a sausage sandwich and getting ready to greet the day. He had recently been told how good the Dulce de Leche Cheerios were but he wasn't about to fall for that. After his hearty meal he decided to kill some campers in the forest. Might as well start the day with a smile as well as full belly right? This goes on for awhile and Tolvo has a group of three campers on the bridge by Alvina's house. They never stood a chance. The narrow bridge meant they had to each fight him honestly. In his weaker moments, Tolvo almost pitied them. Almost.
After the morning chore was done Tolvo decided to head to the Dark Souls forums to catch up on the latest goings on and to reach his 5.000th post. Today was gonna be the day. Post 4,900....looking good. Post 4,950......got this no problem. Post 4,980.....something about Velka and a llama. Post 4,990......commentary on a Brokewilly video on the Glory for Alvina thread......nice.
4,992.....this is too easy
4,993....I got this before lunch
4,994....another short story for Skare's Museum of Souls
4,995....take that thread....derailed!
4,996....Advice to a newbie
4,997....Men In Tights reference
4,998.....solid, well reasoned analysis of a movie
4,999.....gloating that the next post will be number 5,000 to Serious.
Wait.....now what to post for the epic 5,000th?
Suddenly a window pops up....Tolvo has a private message.
It's Serious.....Serious_Much that is.
Serious: "Hey Tolvo, what's up?"
Tolvo: "Nothing, thinking of what to post for number 5,000"
Serious: "The forum has been a little slow. We should do something exciting."
Tolvo: "Like what?"
Serious: "I dunno, what are you into?"
Tolvo: "This isn't a personals ad but, movies, Dark Souls, that kinda thing."
Serious: "Hey wait a minute!"
Tolvo: "What is it?"
Serious: "I got it."
Serious: "An exciting idea."
Tolvo: "What is it?"
Serious: "Do you like animals?"
Tolvo: "I just ate some sausage. You mean like that?"
Serious: "Not really, more like seeing them alive."
Tolvo: "That can ok I guess"
Serious: "I just read in the newspaper that they found a Pink Gorilla in South Africa."
Tolvo: "Is that so?"
Tolvo: "Are you suggesting we go see it?"
Serious: "Uh huh."
Tolvo: "We're nowhere near the thing.....or each other for that matter."
Serious: "So you better get started my way ASAP then."
Tolvo: "This better be worth it."
Serious: "It will be"
Tolvo rents a car and starts off on his way. They had decided that Tolvo would drive to New York City and catch a boat to England to pick up Serious since airplanes weren't really his thing.
Tolvo pulls onto the freeway and starts driving and driving. Driving all day. He looks to his left and sees one of the Great Lakes. Which one is that? Hmmmm......Gotta be Lake Michigan. That one's near home right? I think so. Ok....I'm getting bored. Can I name all five Great Lakes? What was that acronym in school. HORNS? No that's not it. HIRES? Nope
HOMES? Yeah that's it. What do the letters stand for now.
"M" is Michigan obviously.
What about "H?" H....H.....H......
What about "O" now? Hmmmmmmm....
Already got "M"
"E" stand for Erie. Man I'm good.
All I have left is "S." Crap.....drawing a blank. What does "S" stand for in the Great Lakes? Shoot.......On the tip of my tongue. S......S.......S..........DAMN!
Trying to remember which Great Lake started with "S" Tolvo finds he distracted himself all the way to New York State. He drives past something called the "Grand Canyon of the East." That's a pretty big canyon he guesses but it's not "Grand." Nice trees though. And lots of deer. Almost hit a couple.
What lakes are these? The Finger Lakes? I wonder if they have an acronym like "HOMES" to remember them by. Speaking of.....what does "S" stand for?
Tolvo is again lost in thought and travels along, eventually coming to New York City. He drops off his rental car and heads to the docks to catch his boat. Tolvo thinks to himself....these docks seem pretty empty. He finally finds someone and is told that they were all closed down because of some budget thing Governor Cuomo did. It doesn't sound like it was a popular proposal. Damn......now he needs to find another boat.
Tolvo rents another car and head south and finds that harbors and docks all over have been shut down. He comes to some place called "South of the Border." It's gotta be south of some border but Mexico it ain't. He continues on and realizes he just passed Disney World. Oh boy...Florida already. He finds a boat heading to England at last and off he sails.
The ocean starts to become unremarkable after awhile and Tolvo has to find ways to occupy himself. He tries shuffle board until he realizes that it's not appropriate to parry and riposte the 80 year old competition with his stick. Tolvo tries the buffet but the mac salad is kinda gross. He decides to sleep most of the way there. He dreams of trees, smiting their enemies.
Tolvo finally reaches England and Serious is waiting impatiently at the dock tapping his foot.
Tolvo: "Hey Serious."
Serious: "Hey....took you long enough."
Tolvo: "I get held up, I had to search the whole east coast for a damn boat."
Serious: "Pshaw....that's not a problem over her."
Tolvo: "Don't act so superior Ser.....THAT'S IT!!"
Serious: "What's what?"
Tolvo: "The thing I forgot"
Serious: "What thing?"
Tolvo: "What the 'S' stands for."
Serious: "What what 'S' stands for?"
Tolvo: "The Great Lakes...you remember the word HOMES and you can remember the names of the Lakes. The 'S' stands for 'Superior.'"
Serious: "Awesome Tolvo"
Tolvo: "And H is for Huron, O is for Ontario, M is for Michigan and E is for.....crap. I forgot."
Serious: "You're getting a little weird right now."
Tolvo: "Weird huh?....wait a minute, weird, odd, creepy eerie......YES...E stands for Erie....Lake Erie. Thanks Serious"
Serious: "Let's get going already."
So Tolvo and Serious jump on another boat and head to South Africa.
Serious tries his hand at shuffle board and is surprised when the guy he's laying against lagstabs him. Serious is alright with the mac salad but isn't a fan of the baked potato.
The duo arrive in South Africa and are glad to be able to stretch their legs on land for awhile. They rent a car after stretching to drive to their hotel. They're driving and driving, looking at the savannah and animals. Tolvo says something about a gazelle looking like a deer near some canyon and Serious has no clue what he's talking about. They get to the hotel and check in and sleep for the night, exhausted from their trip.
They wake the next morning raring to go see that Pink Gorilla finally. They head out and get in the car with Serious driving. They pass a billboard saying "Pink Gorilla: 5 Miles." After four miles they see a sign reading "Pink Gorilla: 1 mile" with a smaller sign saying "Closed today" underneath. Crap.
They turn around and head back to the hotel, and rest a second night.
They get back in the car the next morning and start driving. They see the 5 mile sign. They keep going and see the 1 mile sign. The "closed" sign has been removed. They get to the gates and Serious says "There's not a lot of cars here..."
They head to the entrance and a person in a booth states "I'm sorry guys but the Pink Gorilla is not feeling well. Please come back tomorrow."
So they get back in the car and drive past the 1 mile sign. They keep driving past the 5 mile sign and back to the hotel where they rest again.
They wake up the next morning determined to see the Pink Gorilla. They get in their car and drive past the 5 mile sign. They get to the 1 mile sign and everything seems good again. They get to the gate and Tolvo says "There's a lot of cars here today. Hope that's a good sign."
They get to the booth and are told that the Pink Gorilla is feeling much better. They pay their admission and are sat down for the rules to seeing the Pink Gorilla. They are told only two persons at a time are allowed as the Pink Gorilla doesn't like crowds. No problem they think, there's only two of us. They're told no loud noises, teasing, the usual zoo stuff. Finally, the guide looks nervously at them and says, "The Pink Gorilla has little fear of humans and will come right up to the bars. I beg you that, whatever happens, you don't touch the Pink Gorilla." They can see how sincere the man is and agree not to touch the Pink Gorilla. After verbally agreeing they are asked to sign a 30 page waiver absolving the zoo of any consequences of them touching the Pink Gorilla.
At last it's their turn to see the Gorilla. They are led to a 2 inch thick steel door which is opened for them. After they enter it's shut behind them and locked. They find themselves in a well lit room with a concrete wall to their right and solid steel bars to their left. They walk a little ways in and keep looking left.
Serious: "You see anything?"
Suddenly, a flash of pink appears in front of them from out of nowhere. Man that thing was fast. And big. Right next to the bars is a ten foot tall Pink Gorilla. We're not talking kinda pink. He's neon pink. It's so bright it almost hurts to look at him. After staring at him a minute they see he's smiling. Tolvo and Serious giggle a little nervously and are surprised when the Pink Gorilla laughs with them. He follows their every move with his eyes which seem to speak of tremendous intelligence and kindness. Serious says, "He seems nice"
Tolvo agrees and both are reluctant to leave, after all the trouble it took to get here. Finally, Tolvo says, "I know we were told not to but let's touch him."
Serious: "Yeah, take a picture of me while I do it, that way we have a souvenir."
Tolvo: "You got it....he looks harmless, why do they tell people not to touch him?"
Serious: "Probably just covering their rears."
Tolvo: "That makes sense."
Serious reaches out and gently touches the Gorilla's arm, just below the elbow. Before Tolvo can take a picture the Pink Gorilla lets out a furious roar that shakes the building's foundation. The Pink Gorilla punches the steel bar and Serious is horrified to see it easily buckle. A couple more of those and the Pink Gorilla is gonna be free. Tolvo locks eyes with the Pink Gorilla and see that where there used to be kindness, there is only rage. There is murder in those eyes, and focused on them. Another punch and another bar buckles. The need to get out and fast. They run to the door and start pounding to be let out. Another punch and another bar goes bye bye. The door opens and they dart out, but not before Serious turns quickly and see the Gorilla fly out of the cage and smash into the concrete wall. Rubble falls to the floor from where the Gorilla came to rest. The Pink Gorilla seems unaffected despite the tremendous force that was exerted.
The steel door is slammed shut with the zookeeper shouting at them....."I TOLD YOU NOT TO TOUCH THE PINK GORILLA.....I TOLD YOU!"
His screams are lost under the fury of the Pink Gorilla's rage. They hear a loud thud and step back reflexively. The steel door will not hold for long they notice as they see dust trickle down from the hinges, as the screws holding it to the wall seem about to give.
They run past the ticket booth as they hear another thud followed by a crash and high pitch squeal as the door screams across the floor. A low growl follows, somehow worse than the bellows of rage.
They run as fast as they can with Tolvo searching his pocket for the keys to car. The Gorilla leaps out of the building and starts looking for his prey. Sliding into the driver's seat, Tolvo see the Gorilla's eyes lock on his once more. A moment or paralysis feels like an eternity and then the car is starting, Tolvo's desire to live outweighing the dread of the neon Pink Gorilla starting to sprint toward them.
Tolvo pushes the car to 70mph. Looking back Serious is terrified as the Pink Gorilla is still chasing them. His screams to speed up are met by a leaden foot from Tolvo, pushing the car past 140mph. Still the Pink Gorilla is chasing them. Serious, stuttering from his panic, is able to call the boat Captain and tells him to ready the boat for launch.
They pull up to the docks and fly out of the car. They can no longer see the Gorilla but can feel the guttural growl still and know he's coming. The boat is boarded and starts off across the Ocean again. Directly out of port the growl is interrupted by a terrific roar and they see the Pink Gorilla starting to swim after them.
They decide to go across the ocean and hope the Gorilla drowns. For days, to their horror, he is always right behind them. They reach the shores of the U.S. and are far enough ahead of the Gorilla to feel that maybe they can outrun him in a car again. They find the fastest car they can get and push it well past 100mph again. They drive and drive and always the Gorilla pursues them.
The car, running out of gas and overheating gets them to the Grand Canyon. Tolvo, in his hysteria can't help but compare it to the Canyon of the East. Less trees but this one's definitely bigger. There's no hope of going around in time. Their last chance is to hide. They come across five garbage cans chained to a rail directly next to a steep cliff, leading all the way to the bottom of the canyon. They decide the best chance they have is to hide in two of these cans.
The growl grows steadily louder until they're sure he must be right near their hiding spot. The growling stops and they hear the Pink Gorilla sniffing, in the hope of finding his prey. Each breathless moment is an eternity.
They hear the rattle of trash in a metal can and a sharp snap as a chain gives out. A loud roar is followed by a clunk as the first can bounces off the railing and is heard from no longer. A second rattle is hear. Again followed by a snap of a chain and the clunk of a trash can hitting the rail before it plummets to a certain future. This is repeated a third time.
The next can is hiding Serious, knowing his fate, his breath begins to hitch, giving away his location.
With one last terrible roar....the Pink Gorilla pulls the lid off the trash can. Somehow, still managing to feel self-conscious Serious realizes he's ankle deep in stale soda, with wrappers and left over food making a grotesque final wrapping for him. He looks up, sure of his fate and powerless to stop it. He locks eyes with the Pink Gorilla. The Gorilla, flexing muscles seemingly of twisted iron reaches into the can and grabs Serious' shoulder with a hand more reminiscent of marble than flesh and bone and.....
says...."TAG....you're it" and runs away laughing