As a person that quite often pour way too many emotion into things that aren't that important to my life, it is quite interesting of me to have decided to join it to begin with. I do not even really know the reasons behind joining it myself. I mean, I love the game a lot, but so do I with a lot of other games. What's so special with it in comparison to them, at least in the context of me? Nothing really, the reasons behind joining is coincident to be sure, it has to be.
That's not to say I've not contributed to the forum in my own ways. I can, if I find enough interest, participate in discussions and share my thoughts on something. Usually, though, I don't, I just sit quiet because I feel that my thoughts aren't really useful, and in many cases they aren't. I am fine with that, however, since that is the case for so many people and their own opinions on things.
To them each opinion is important, and probably to others as well, but the harsh truth, at least to me, is that the lesser voices aren't heard unless they scream loudly. I rarely do that, but I can at least smile and say that I have my thoughts and if I do not understand some other person's thoughts about a subject I will not shy away from asking them to elaborate. If they answer "no" I will need to carry on, regardless how I react to the answer. After all, each one has their own values and own thoughts on a subject and no one should force them to share them.
I believe I've invested a lot into the people I've gotten to know through the forum, and whether that is good or bad is completely subjective, of course. I, personally, think it can be quite good if you know when to stop, if you do not share too much of your personal information. I can share how I look and my name, sure. I mean, both of those pieces of information are already publically available online, I will not shy away from saying that, if I trust the person enough that is. Now, of course the person I say I trust may be completely trolling, I will not deny that, but I try to be optimistic. I would never tell anyone my adress, phone number, social security number and so on.
Perhaps this approach to anonymity is foolish, I know it probably is yet I can not change that and I do not really know why. Perhaps it is part of my personal collection of hypocracies. I know that it is a strange and perhaps even foolish approach, but I like it this way.
On the topic of hypocracies I am perhaps a posterchild of hypocracy. I tell, or rather ask, people to not hurt themselves yet I constantly feel like I should do so. I tell people how amazing they are based only on their own merits, yet whenver I am told something similar I shrug it off, or rather can not believe it. I am kind of afraid that I would be overcome with hubris and descend into a spiral of arrogance until I hit rock bottom, which I am so scared of.
I am scared of quite a lot, to be honest, not direct fears, though they exist (What I said in the "What scares you?" thread, where I shared my phobia of holes in the skin, also known as Trypophobia) they aren't really the most prevalent. Instead I have a fear of friendship, which is another part of my hypocracy, because I love it as well. To elaborate, since I am sure that isn't very clear, I am scared of friendship because I am too attachmental of a person. Not that I am clingy, but instead I am really scared of losing a friend, regardless if it is online or not.
The reason I love friendship, and this is more apparent online, however strange it sounds, is because I love being able to talk with people, share interests and sometimes put my heart into something for another person. Perhaps it is writing a poem, perhaps it is showing my support in their time or need, it doesn't matter, in the end I really do love it, more than I like it in real life.
That's not to say that I don't have a social life, far from it, but it doesn't really exist too much out of school. I have friends, but I do not really interact with them outside of school because I can not do it. I've tried, and I succeeded to a degree. A few years ago I wasn't as outgoing, I had trouble interacting in general and I was the posterchild introvert. Now, I am still introvert to some degree, and as I said it mostly manifests outside of school, but even in school I can prefer to sit by myself instead of directly having a friend to talk to.
So why can I not interact with people outside of the internet as well? I can not answer, I've tried and it doesn't work. Of course, if I tried the "right way" it would probably work, but I can not. I can not muster the courage to arrange it, I can barely make myself sit down with my friends. I do the latter, of course, but it strains me.
I am not saying I am excpetional, of course I am not, that would be absurd. I've just formed thoughts on this that I want to share, regardless of the consequences, because I can not see them, the consequences, the results and in the end how it will affect me. I am not giving out personal information, I am not telling people where I live, so how will affect me in a way that is directly hurtful?
Since I joined the forum a lot has happened that honestly has affected me personally. Not directly as in physically, but nevertheless affected me. I've met people that I like to refer to as "friends". I've lost some of them as well, not because they had to leave, but instead because I ended it. Why did I end it? Because I felt used by the friends I had, I was hated for reasons unreasonable and lied to. I was guilted into hating parts of myself and then it turned out to be a play to make a reaction out of me. Now, sure, I am not gullible, but I am foolish. I can easily spot a broken logic fallacy in an argument, I can without any trouble see a pattern in behavior, at least I think I can. (For someone my age)
Yet I am curious and optimistic, too much for my own good. I can continue to interact with a (not so obvious) troll and liar just because I want to see how it works out, I will believe someone when they say they've changed just because they say so, repeatedly. I know it is foolish, yet I do so because I want to believe my friends and when I've had enough I can end it, but it takes a while and it really strains me to keep the friendship ended.
I've been close to leaving, not only the forum but in the internet in general, becoming a casual browser of en.Wikipedia.org and Cracked.com but there's always been people wanting me to stay, and I'm happy because of that, because it shows that sometimes my trust I put in people aren't completely worthless.
Why do I write this out? When I started I really had no idea, and I would've probably just deleted it without a thought when I was done, but when I was writing I know what I want.
I want to extend a personal thank to the forum, the admins and the friends I've learned, the personal journey joining it sparked, and in the end, I wanted to thank everyone who bear with me while reading this. I understand how it can sound completely strange to people, but thank you, whoever read this, to have done just that.
I will try to contribute to the forum to the best of my abilities and I will continue to stay friends with the people I love.